"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

Friday, January 13, 2006

Meet Your New Supreme Court Justice! 

So, it looks like the confirmation of Scurvy Sam Alito to the Supreme Court is a fait accompli (literally, a "lead pipe cinch"), despite the Democrats' best efforts to create the illusion that they would actually stand up for themselves, so we might as well get to know the old boy. Fortunately for court-watchers and lovers of broad satire, Fafblog! scored an exclusive interview:
FAFBLOG: Let's get right to it. Does the Constitution protect the right to an abortion?

ALITO: I'm open-minded on abortion, Fafnir. In fact I think it's safe to say that just like every other recent Supreme Court nominee, I've managed to go through a decades-long law career while never actually giving any significant thought to abortion as a legal issue at all.

FB: You even kept up your open-mindedness on abortion rights while voting to restrict abortion rights!

ALITO: I didn't vote to restrict abortion rights, Fafnir. I voted to expand a man's right to co-own and operate his wife's uterus.

FB: You managed to stay open-minded on abortion while you were writing that memo that said "the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion"!

ALITO: Now, that one shouldn't count - I believe at the time I was bodily possessed by then-Solicitor General Charles Fried.

FB: Now back around then you also wrote a memo saying the Attorney General can't be sued for illegally wiretapping people.

ALITO: I did? Are you sure? Because to be perfectly honest I don't remember a lot of what I did during the Reagan administration. You know how it is when you're serving in the White House, Fafnir - the wild nights, the drunken partying, the granting of absolute power to members of the executive branch... it's hard to keep track.

FB: Oh man, tell me about it! This one time I was hangin out with Dick Cheney an Al Gonzales an they were all hopped up on horse tranquilizers an Cheney's all "let's grant the president the ability to violate civil law during wartime" an Gonzales was like "dude!" an I was all "you guys are crazy!"

It's not all as serious as the part I've quoted here. No one ever said that cutting-edge journalism had to be boring!

 

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