"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

(I'm a) Ho, Ho, Ho! 

(Reposted from about this time last year. The amazing thing is that all the Amazon links still work. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?)

The holidays are upon us, like a pack of rabid weasels. This merry season means different things to different people, of course, but we are all - whatever our race, religion, or preferred sexual kink - joined together in our utter dread of having to buy, and maybe even pay for, thoughtful gifts for all the friends, family members, business associates, and various hangers-on who populate our lives and lists. No wonder that so many of us turn to strong, joyful drink as we celebrate the feast day (or days) of our choice.

I bring these glad, festive tidings only as a cynical ploy to get your money. You see, I never expected to get rich writing a blog, and I am happy to say that my expectations have not been exceeded. That's okay - as a wise man once said, "I don't have to do this job, you know! I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this 'cause I like being my own boss!" And, please, don't misunderstand me - I couldn't be more thankful for the $3.08 that I have made from this enterprise in the last three months alone! That's exactly the sort of thing that reminds me just how much you all value my wit and wisdom; indeed, it would be a bargain at half the price.

Still, it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, the early bird that gets the worm, and the horny teenager that gets the clap. It is in that spirit that I come to you now with an open heart and open wallet. There are so many ways you can express your appreciation! For instance, you could hit the PayPal donation button, conveniently located to your left (my right). I have it on good authority that the thing really works, although no one knows for sure. Or, you could purchase a nice T-shirt featuring the attractive PTTN logo (ideal for washing the car - you could wear it, or use it to clean your wheels).

The problem with these options, however, is that they actually cost you money - and no one wants that. At least, I presume that you don't want that; personally, I couldn't care less. Whatever. But, suppose there was some way that you could give me large sums of money at no personal cost to you? Wouldn't that be swell? Of course it would!

And that's where the Amazon.com associates program comes in. You get to do all of your holiday shopping online, wearing only your dainty underthings and sipping a cool, refreshing beverage if you would prefer (just try that at Nordstrom!), and through the magic of this newfangled "Internet" thingy, I receive a tidy commission on all your purchases. It doesn't cost you a cent, and I get to spend my vacation in Aruba. Cool, huh?

Here's how it works. Just click one of the Amazon.com links on this page, and proceed to spend a lot of money. Next thing you know, some of that money mysteriously appears in my checking account. It's just that simple! "But," I hear you say, "where are these amazing Amazon.com links, which I simply can't wait to use?" I'm glad you asked. Why, they could be almost anywhere! For example, I might casually mention that this Zenith P60W38 60" Widescreen Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV would make an excellent gift for the lovely administrative assistant who has worked so many late nights with you over this past year (you rascal, you!). You could then click on the phrase "Zenith P60W38 60" Widescreen Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV" and, next thing you know, you're in online retail nirvana! Neat!

But suppose you don't want a Zenith P60W38 60" Widescreen Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV, even though you can save $7,000.00 off the retail price. Suppose your administrative assistant refused to work late, even though you brought her those nice flowers and complimented her on her plastic surgery, and you would really rather just get her a Magic 8 Ball. No problem! You can shop around the Amazon.com site and buy anything you want. I still get my cut, just so long as you entered Amazon via this page. (Still, you have to admit, that is one darned nice TV.)

Of course, I usually spend most of my time here talking about how much the President sucks and how torture and war are icky, instead of pimping plasma TVs and Magic 8 Balls. Most of my posts lack the useful "inline links" (to use the official double-secret Amazon.com associate patois) that I've demonstrated here. Not to worry. I always have the recommended book, music, and video titles displayed in my sidebar, as well as the generic Amazon button. You can use any of these - heck, use all of them! - and it works just the same. I still make my vig and, after all, that's what really matters. To me, anyway.

So, to recap - happy holidays to you and yours, and don't forget to buy lots of stuff. You'll probably feel better for it, and I certainly will. I hear Aruba is delightful this time of year.

 

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