"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Dear Editors 

Here is a letter I sent off to my local fishwrap this morning:
I was gratified to learn that the Port Orchard school district has hired Doug Cowan to teach biology, and I am impressed by the P-I's extraordinary courage in providing Mr. Cowan an opportunity to express his views. Only someone possessed of Mr. Cowan's obvious intellectual gifts - that is, his stunning ignorance of, and hostility toward, the scientific method itself - is truly qualified to teach the controversy surrounding Darwin's theory of natural selection.

I presume that we can expect more bold hiring decisions from the Port Orchard school district in the near future. For instance, I hope that the district will be able to locate someone to teach the controversy over whether the earth revolves around the sun, or vice versa. Similarly, I am sure that the good people at the Flat Earth Society could put the Port Orchard school board in touch with someone willing and able to teach the controversy over whether, after one has sailed off the edge of the ocean, there be dragons. And, while it may be difficult to find faculty candidates sufficiently conversant in the ancient science of alchemy, I look forward to the day when our children can properly be taught the controversy over whether lead may be changed into gold by means of a mysterious Philosophers' Stone.

Of course, we will know that the epic battle against knowledge which Mr. Cowan has so bravely engaged has been won when it is announced that the Port Orchard schools have named an illiterate to chair the English department. Such an individual will be uniquely qualified to teach the controversy over whether anyone can actually divine meaning from those funny squiggles printed on the pages of textbooks. When that glorious day arrives, I am confident that the P-I will then do its part by providing the "Intelligent Illiteracy" proponents a forum in which to present their thoughts - not that anyone will be left to read them.

What do you think - too subtle?




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