"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
What shall we call the President's new yacht?
First, a little background. In 1977, Jimmy Carter ordered that the presidential yacht USS Sequoia be sold, in the interest of frugality. Also, as someone who had experience with nuclear submarines during his service in the US Navy, I suspect that Jimmy "The Mongoose" Carter found the yacht to be a bit sluggish in the acceleration department for his taste. Whatever. In any event, American presidents have been denied their God-given right to wear white pants and funny hats while "skippering" the old "dinghy" ever since (it is well known that Bill Clinton removed his hat and pants entirely while skippering his dinghy, if you know what I mean, but he was a special case).
In the interest of correcting this outrage, our Congress just last week appropriated $2 million to re-purchase the Sequoia from its current owner. This is important, because a guy gets exhausted clearing brush all the time; it's hard work. A yacht is the least we can do for the poor schmuck. And don't worry about the deficit - they found all the money they needed by underfunding the Pell grant program, so it's all good.
And that's where we come in. What kind of name is USS Sequoia? Can our Dear Leader be expected to display the cut of his jib on a boat named after a big tree? I don't think so. No, he needs a name that matches his particular qualities and abilities, one that reflects his values. The obvious choices are all problematic - for instance, he can't call it either the Laura or the Condi without sparking one hellacious catfight. The Enduring Freedom is a possibility, but there's always the risk that it would just blow up and sink. The USS Make the Pie Higher doesn't look as good as you might think when painted on the stern, and Arbusto just looks foreign. So, as you can see, it's a problem.
Let's all chip in and lend a hand. Sometime over this long holiday weekend, drop a comment with your suggestion for a name. I will send the best submission in an e-mail to the President. If I don't get any suggestions, I'll just go with USS Abu Ghraib and have done with it. Either way, I can then reproduce my message to the President here next week, and spare myself the trouble of writing an actual post.
Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to give thanks for the relative freedom and prosperity we all enjoy as Americans. It may be your last chance.