"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Let's Have a War 

Wingnut alert!Kos, Josh Marshall, and Atrios (who apparently found it first) have all discussed this bit of crockery from Human Events ("The National Conservative Weekly," in case you forgot). Of course, I want to be just like the cool kids here in Western Blogtopia - so here goes:
Branded unconstitutional by President Abraham Lincoln, the South's secession from the American Union ultimately sparked "The Civil War" (a name that was rejected by Southerners, who correctly called it "The War Between the States," for the South never sought to 1] seize the central government or 2] rule the other side, two requisites for a civil war).

No state may leave the Union without the other states' approval, according to Lincoln's doctrine--an assertion that ignores the Declaration of Independence, which was the vital basis for all 13 American colonies' unilateral secession from the British Union eight decades earlier. Lincoln's grotesque legal argument also disregards a state's inherent right of secession which many scholars believe is found in the Ninth and Tenth Amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

Meantime, America has become just as divided as it was a century and a half ago, when it writhed in Brother-vs.-Brother War. Instead of wedge issues like slavery, federal subsidies for regional business, and high tariffs, society today is sundered by profound, insoluble Culture War conflicts (such as abortion and gay marriage), and debate about our role abroad (shall we remain the world's leader, or become an unprincipled chump for the cabal of globalist sybarites who play endless word-games inside the United Nations and European Union sanctuaries?).

For many decades, conservative citizens and like-minded political leaders (starting with President Calvin Coolidge) have been denigrated by the vilest of lies and characterizations from hordes of liberals who now won't even admit that they are liberals--because the word connotes such moral stink and political silliness. As a class, liberals no longer are merely the vigorous opponents of the Right; they are spiteful enemies of civilization's core decency and traditions.

Defamation, never envisioned by our Founding Fathers as being protected by the First Amendment, flourishes and passes today for acceptable political discourse. Movies, magazines, newspapers, radio/TV programs, plays, concerts, public schools, colleges, and most other public vehicles openly traffic in slander and libel. Hollywood salivated over the idea of placing another golden Oscar into Michael Moore'sfat hands, for his Fahrenheit 9/11 jeremiad, the most bogus, deceitful film documentary since Herr Hitler and Herr Goebbels gave propaganda a bad name.

When they tire of showering conservative victims with ideological mud, liberals promote the only other subjects with which they feel conversationally comfortable: Obscenity and sexual perversion. It's as if the genes of liberals have rendered them immune to all forms of filth.

As a final insult, liberal lawyers and judges have become locusts of the Left, conspiring to destroy democracy itself by excreting statutes and courtroom tactics that fertilize electoral fraud and sprout fields of vandals who will cast undeserved and copious ballots on Election Day.

The truth is, America is not just broken--it is becoming irreparable. If you believe that recent years of uncivil behavior are burdensome, imagine the likelihood of a future in which all bizarre acts are the norm, and a government-booted foot stands permanently on your face.

That is why the unthinkable must become thinkable. If the so-called "Red States" (those that voted for George W. Bush) cannot be respected or at least tolerated by the "Blue States" (those that voted for Al Gore and John Kerry), then the most disparate of them must live apart--not by secession of the former (a majority), but by expulsion of the latter. Here is how to do it.

In fairness, the author of this piece - Mike Thompson, whose main claim to fame seems to be his status as past chairman of the Florida Conservative Union, whatever that is - points out that his comments are intended to be "satirical":
From the author: This is an essay I've been working on for the past several weeks, updated moments ago with what appears to be Bush's final number of victory states (31) once the nonsense of provisional votes in Ohio is overcome.

As an admitted "modest proposal" (a la Swift's satiric story of the same name), it is nevertheless serious in pointing out the cancer that continues to threaten our body politic.

Translation: I'm kidding when I say that the states I don't like should be expelled from the Union. What I really mean is that the states I don't like should be excised and discarded like a malignant tumor. That's totally different!

And what, exactly, have Thompson's "Dirty Dozen" states (his words) done to offend him? Let's rejoin the hatefest, already in progress:
Examine the "Mostly Mainstream 38" and "Fringe 12." Of the 50 states, Bush won 30 in the 2000 presidential election against Gore, and 31 in 2004 against Kerry. More dramatic is the huge disparity among counties. Of 3,112 counties nationwide, Bush in 2000, for example, won 2,434, a crushing 78% majority. (In the counties composing "Bush USA" live approximately 150 million persons; in the 678 of "Gore/Kerry USA," 140 million.) Gore/Kerry denizens are concentrated in the metropolises of the East and West Coasts and those big cities on the Great Lakes or Mississippi River. Other significant pockets of ultraliberal extremists may be found in intellectually incestuous college towns and pro-big-government state capitals, along the estranged and overwhelmed Mexican border, and in Dixie's welfare-addicted Cotton Belt.

The demographics revealed by the two most recent presidential elections are radically different and have resulted in "Two Americas" (but not the simplistic "Two Americas" [one rich, one poor] envisioned by Kerry's Marxist-tongued running mate, John Edwards):
* BUSH USA is predominantly white; devoutly Christian (mostly Protestant); openly, vigorously heterosexual; an open land of single-family homes and ranches; economically sound (except for a few farms), but not drunk with cyberworld business development, and mainly English-speaking, with a predilection for respectfully uttering "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir."


* GORE/KERRY USA is ethnically diverse; multi-religious, irreligious or nastily antireligious; more sexually liberated (if not in actual practice, certainly in attitude); awash with condo canyons and other high-end real estate bordered by sprawling, squalid public housing or neglected private homes, decidedly short of middle-class neighborhoods; both high tech and oddly primitive in its commerce; very artsy, and Babelesque, with abnormally loud speakers.

Bush USA also is far safer, its murder rate being about 16% of the homicidal binge that plagues Gore/Kerry USA--2.1 per 100,000 residents, compared with 13.2 per 100,000 (from a study by Professor Joseph Olson, Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota).

First, let's catch the low-hanging fruit - the study which Thompson mentions here never happened. Don't believe me? Then why don't you ask Professor Joseph Olson, Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota.

Second, let's examine Mr. Thompson's argument more closely. What, exactly, is the problem with "The Treasonous Twelve" (okay, not Thompson's words - but I presume he would approve, given that he shares a masthead with Ann Coulter)? Simple. They are "ethnically diverse," "multi-religious," "more sexually liberated," "very artsy," and - if all that weren't enough - people there listen to music that's just too darned loud.

Sounds scary. What else have you got? Well, how about trading all that open-mindedness and all those cultural advantages for something a bit more to Mr. Thompson's liking - someplace "devoutly Christian (mostly Protestant)," someplace "openly, vigorously [!] heterosexual," someplace "mainly English-speaking," and - above all! - someplace "predominantly white."

I agree with Mr. Thompson about one thing: The America he envisions is nothing like the America I love.

It would be easy to pass this off as an extreme case - even though it comes from so portentious a source as Human Events - if it weren't so consonant with the "anti-elitist" tone of the Red State Brigade. For instance, remember this charming moment from the campaign to discredit Howard Dean?
Well, I think Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, body-piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont where it belongs.

Nice. The point is clear: Real Americans drink Folger's, refer to sushi as "bait," drive an F-150, and read the National Enquirer (or maybe Human Events, if they're slumming). Vermont, New York, and Hollywood are not part of the real America.

Oh, yeah? Well, as a real American from Wyoming once said (to a Vermonter, no less), "go fuck yourself." I am no longer amused at being called an "elitist" by the kind of people who call themselves the "Elect." It was funny for a while, but it's not funny any more. You want a war? You got it. We didn't start it, but we'll damn sure finish it. We're coming for your children.

Finally, a personal note to Mr. Thompson - I notice that you left my home state of Washington off your personal list of "naughty" states. I assume that was an oversight. Perhaps you didn't notice that Washington voted for Gore, voted for Kerry, has two Democratic Senators (both women, no less, and neither one is barefoot or pregnant), may well yet have a Democratic governor once all the votes are counted (and she's also an uppity dame), and has a majority-Democratic delegation to the House to boot.

Bottom line: We're going with California. And we're taking Hawai'i with us.

 

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