"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

Friday, October 01, 2004

I'm An Undecided Voter 

I've decided that I'm a perfect choice to join one of those "undecided voter" panels that the networks assemble for ceremonial events, like conventions, debates, and first communions. I have all the necessary qualifications.

I don't mean, of course, that I have yet to decide who I'm voting for. I'm voting for John Kerry, at least twice. But obviously, that's not a part of the job description.

Lot's of undecided voters know who they're going to vote for. Look at Edward Martos, who participated in CNN's panel of undecided voters. As Jesus' General discovered (using this fancy newfangled "Google" thingy), Mr. Martos is a prominent member of University of Miami's College Republicans, and in fact was Assistant Editor in Chief of the College Republicans' newsletter. I'm pretty sure Mr. Martos knows who he will be voting for, but that doesn't mean he can't be an undecided voter.

Similarly, Josh Marshall tracked down a little background on Ted Lyons, who served his country as an undecided voter for the Miami Herald and a local Miami television station. Ted's the guy who went out on a limb and said that Kerry sounded like "an idiot" during last nights' debate. But Ted's day job implies that maybe he, too, has some clue which candidate might get his vote - Ted's a Republican political consultant who hobnobs with the North Dade Republican Club. And how did Josh discover this about Ted? Well, it wasn't easy - he had to read all the way to the end of the Herald's article, where Ted's double life was revealed.

So obviously, an undecided voter need not be undecided. No, that's setting the bar too low. There are strict standards for the selection of undecided voters - and, happily, I meet those standards! In fact, I might be the most undecided voter committed to Kerry that you will ever encounter.

You see, when you watch those focus groups, one inescapable fact hits you as surely as the bullshit blowback hits anyone standing within five feet of the Boy King. Here it is: All undecided voters are fat. Fat and slovenly. And they don't sound too bright. And, I, of course, am fat, and slovenly, and as you are well aware, I usually sound about as bright as Jenna Bush after eight cosmopolitans.

I await my appointment. And I'm proud to serve.




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